Just Come Back To Me

I couldn’t be anymore misunderstood if I tried, and I couldn’t be anymore misunderstood if I lied, and even the truth is misleading.
But instead of selfishly focusing on making others understand me, I’m tackling my own misunderstandings and am killing the lies that I myself give in to during the day.
 
While having deep spiritual conversations with respected friends, I’ll be slowly and unintentionally weeded out of the discussion.  I have very poor hearing regarding low decibals, so unless you’re standing close to my left side or have a high speaking voice, I will generally miss every other word you’re saying.  So I’m sitting there listening to their conversation, trying to catch words here and there, and when I finally do hear something clearly I will automatically want to jump in with my opinion, because my opinions on spiritual matters are what I am most eager to share with others.  I’ll wait for someone to finish a sentence and try to jump in, “I think…”.  However, sometimes they won’t stop to listen to me, they’ll keep talking right over top of me.
 
In my mind, someone is lying to me, and saying that my friends don’t care what I have to say.  Someone is lying to me and saying, that if my friends don’t care about my opinion, then they don’t respect me.  Someone is lying to me, and telling me that if my friends don’t respect me, then they don’t love or accept me.
I used to believe and give into these lies, never trusting anyone, always finding more lies and more reasons to validate the feelings.
 
But not now.  I will not give into these lies, because I know that my friends love me.  I know that my friends respect me.  I know that I don’t always speak loudly, so perhaps they didn’t hear me and didn’t know that I had something to share.
 
I have a friend who I chauffer around during the week, due to the fact that she has special needs.  When we’re out in public, she’ll say or do something that causes everyone to stare at us, I used to have mixed feelings about it.  I don’t mind being with her, or being seen with her, but she’ll frequently start singing very loudly, or speaking very loudly, or dancing, or laughing loudly for no apparent reason, in a quiet place where others are keeping to themselves, like a coffee shop.  This causes others to stare, and I would feel bad for disturbing everyone.
 
In my mind, someone is lying to me, and saying that my friend isn’t the most important person there.  Someone is lying to me and saying, that I should apologize for my friend’s personality.  Someone is lying to me, and telling me that I should care what others think instead of caring what my friend thinks.  Someone is lying to me, and telling me to subdue her faux-pas.
 
But not now.  I will not give into these lies, because I know that my friend is a beautiful and caring person.  I know that she gets excited to be with me, and I will never do anything to stifle that joy.  I will never try to change her joyful behavior, and I will always treat her as the most important person in the room.
 
 
I have been rather peaceful and content lately.  Although, I am given to depression, so now and then something will try to set me back.  For instance: not hearing from friends, my financial issues, my medical issues, my job issues, my career issues, my family issues, my love-life issues. 
 
In my mind someone is lying to me, and saying that I should return to my old crutches that supported and sustained my chronic depressive state… crutches like alcohol, smoking, self loathing, self mutilation, isolation, and co-dependency.  Someone is lying to me and saying that those things are much better and more satisfying than I remember.  Someone is lying to me, and telling me that God doesn’t have a unique purpose for my life, and that all my hopes are in vain.  Someone is lying to me, and telling me to abandon my music, abandon all of these life changing ideas that I’m given every single day, in exchange for a 9-5 job, and a place of my own, and health insurance.  Someone is lying to me about what a successful life should look like at 25.
 
But I’m not buying it.  I’m not buying into the lies that I should regress, or turn back to old ways that did nothing but destroy myself.  I’m not buying into the lies that I’m wasting my time on these dreams, because I know God has put them in my heart.  And although God has given me unique abilities, I’m not buying into the lie that I’m more or less important than anyone else.  and I’m not buying into the lie that God won’t come through for me.
 
And I’m not buying into the lie that God doesn’t always want me and love me.  And I’m not buying into the lie that I need to change in order for God to love me.  But I’m also not buying into the lie that I can love God well without changing my behavior.
 
I was praying the other day, and I was guilty and ashamed that I hadn’t spent as much with God that day as I had planned to…… but he said to me,

“the only thing worse than you leaving, is you not coming back.” 

He basically told me to NEVER feel bad or ashamed when I come back to him, just come back. 

Just come back to me. 

Just come back.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: